[Rejected by JAMA and the New Yorker; May, 2021]

—

17 students at Dartmouth’s Geisel School of Medicine were caught cheating on an exam. 

To put an end to all speculation, we are publishing the exam in its entirety [PDF].

Dr. Seuss Doctor School Superduper Final Exam-o-Blam 

Answer the following questions as much as you can, or until you turn into blueberry jam.

(Time limit: 183 wing-flaps of a turbine-tongued crow.) 

You have brains in your head, you have feet in your shoes. What do you have in your spleen? 

• A)  Reddish blood
• B)  Spleenulous goo
• C)  Spitty saliva
• D)  Dehydrated poo
  

Patient w/pre-existing rump-stump presents with a bump on the hump of his Gump wump. Is it: 

• A)  Malignant?
• B)  Benign?
• C)  Benignant?
• D)  Likely just fine?
  

Patient — who presents with hat that’s old, teeth that are gold, & bird that he likes to hold — reports that when shoe is off, foot is cold. Diagnosis? 

• A)  He’s jaundiced
• B)  Infection
• C)  Sounds like Avian flu
• D)  Perhaps Reynaud’s
• E)  Maybe too-tight socks?
• F)  Abundance of toes?
• G)  Wait, is it Reyneed’s?
• H)  Or maybe Raymund’s
• I)  Who knows!
  

Noses and toeses, guts, butts, and hearts. Which of these is a real body part?

• A) None 
• B) Bingula
• C) Chingula
• D) Dingula
• F) Fingula
• L) Lingula
• M) Mingula
• W) Wingula
• Z) Zingula 

Can a fox wear socks in a CAT scanner?

• A) Yes 
• B) No 

Infamous 20th-century Zomba-ma-Tantican patient Flustard (not to be confused with Bustard) was known for only eating: 

• A) Mustard with custard
• B) Custard with mustard 

Bursting bursae give you bursitis, which (while not deadly) is always a crisis. So how many bursons are in ten persons? 

• A) 10
• B) 50
• C) 500
• D) 1500
• E) 25,000
• F) 843,702 

Pete Briggs pats pigs all day long. What disease is Mr. Briggs at high risk for?

• A) Dermoglymica
• B) Entamoebic hystolytica
• C) Entaboemic hypolimpica 
• D) Bentalytic hystomytica
• E) Hystomotric bentholithica
• F) Fatter finger winger dinger
• G) Itchy hitchy splotchy crotchy 

“The Birthday Bird visits. Today is your day!” Does this line allude to a colonoscopy appointment? 

• A) Nope
• B) Nnnnnnmaybe?
• C) By the 97th time you read the book out loud, this occurs to all adults 

Does Horton have elaphantiasis?

• A) More like birdbackiasis(just birds on his back)
• B) More like the onset of a panic attack
• C) Actually, Horton likely picked up tetanus in Romania
• D) Actually, Horton probably has hypothermia, tinnitus, & mania 

Which organ has the most rhyming potential? Prove it.

• A) Pancreas 
• B) Larynx(or pharynx)
• C) Coccyx 
• D) Gluteus maximus
• E) Alveoli 

Patient, 250+years old, 3’ tall, borderline personality disorder & laryngitis, presents with “mossy” epidermis. He is: 

• A) Chief Zookeroo
• B) Mr. Sneelock
• C) The Lorax
• D) Warren Wiggins
• E) The Onceler 
• F) Carlos K. Kinklebine
• G) Vlad Vladikoff 

Who is most likely to develop an ulcer, and why? Cite patient histories and risk exposure.

• A) Marvin K. Murney
• B) Gertrude McFuzz
• C) Organ McOrgan McGurkus 
• D) Old Man from the Desert of Drize
• E) Yertle
• F) Mr. Bix
• G) Yolanda Yorgenson 

Suturing water hose to nose: approved procedure for what species?

• A) Anteater 
• B) Armadillo
• C) Baboon
• D) Bear
• E) Beaver
• F) Camel
• G) Dingo 
• H) Elephant
• I) Flamingo
• J) Fox
• K) Giraffe
• L) Goat 
• M) Owl
• N) Tucan
• O) Whale 

In a standard blotzogram, is it possible to discern klotz from splotz?

• A) Yes 
• B) No
• C) Depends if snotz is also present
• D) It’s impossible not to have snotz in your shnozz 

STOP! You must not hop on Pop, lest he develop:

• A) Droopsy 
• B) Woopsy
• C) Ouchy
• D) Hernia
• E) Deep-vein thrombernia 

Please provide the precise term for each medical malady (remember your Latin!)

• -skin condition resulting from extensive sitting-on-cactus
• -deafness induced by bird-in-ear
• -propeller protruding from head 
• -fan protruding from posterior
• -always dreams of drinking
• -has 11 fingers (7 on one hand, 4 on other)
• -has exactly three eyelashes
• -can only turn to the left
• -gives all 23 offspring the same name (“Dave”)
• -sweats so profusely (incontinence?) that cloud forms above, and puddle forms below
• -mysterious condition (magnetic?) in which head always points SW
• -subsists entirely on hot-dog diet
• -eardrum irritation proximately caused by rough wet walrus whiskers
• -neurological disorder in which pain in extremities is delayed by minutes, with concomitant color change as signal travels, like cartoon dynamite fuse-wire, spineward
• -possessing two heads (on opposite ends)
• -grows peculiar facial hair that attaches itself, vine-like, to hair of kin
• -refers to self only as “Thing One”
• -possesses legs so long they become tangled
• -has recurring hallucinations of motile green pants (walking, riding bike, rowing boat, etc.) 

A tweedle beetle from Hoober Bloob presents with injuries from a puddle paddle battle. Does text suggest malaria as a concern? 

• A) Big time
• B) No way 

An oafy-loafy moose and a pout-snouted mouse, and a wide-wattled goose and a frilly-frally grouse all present with similar otolaryngological obstructions in the same afternoon. Do you suspect: 

• A) Rabies?
• B) Babies?
• C) Maybies?
• D) Oh no! A jillion fleas! 

Match the patient with the eating disorder 

• Patient suffers stomach explosions when eating eclairs.
• Patient drinks water only by licking it
• When consuming meal, patient also eats glass bowl
• Patient craves only drinks with pink ink 
• Patient only eats hot pebbles
• “ ” pine trees (w/out bark)
• “ ” Cakes made with grapes
• “ ” grass 
• “ ” flowers
• “ ” rhubarb and corn on the cobsk
• “ ” carpets, sidewalks, people, & trees 

• (Ethel the elephant)
• (Luke luck)
• (Rupert)
• (Yink) 
• (Foon)
• (Fizza Ma Wizza Ma Dill)
• (Greedy ape)
• (Greta) 
• (Seersucker)
• (Obsk)
• (Spotted Atrocious) 

Psychologists recently began recognizing the disorder in which a patient suffering from so many troubles sets out for the mythical city of: 

• A)  Dongola
• B)  Budaghers
• C)  Booti Booti
• D)  Booger Hole
• E)  Bumpass
• F)  Brohard
• G)  Blow Glow
• H)  Bread Loaf
• I)  Loaf Cove
• J)  Hubble Bubbles
• K)  Cockfosters
• L)  Walla Walla
• M)  Ding Dong
• N)  Solla Sollew
• O)  Zona de Neuw

Patient reports seeing little green/purple/blue men in various locales: “Wocket” in pants pocket; “Zelph” on shelf; “Zellar” in cellar, etc. In what state is intervention not mandated? 

• A)  California
• B)  New Hampshire
• C)  NewYork
• D)  New Mexico
  

Identify patient with unusual medical condition

• Patient has hyperopia so severe he can see around the world
• Patient mobility so limited (polar only) that when obstructed, stays put for years (!)
• Patient (infantile) only grows single hair follicle with growth rate so high it must be cut daily
• Patient (adult) has four fluffy feathers protruding from cranium, one of which spontaneously combusts and instantly regrows
• Patient reports large parasitic variety (bug, spider, 2 birds, 1 woodpecker, 4 squirrels, 1 bobcat, 1 turtle, 1 fox, some mice, unknown quantity of fleas, 1 bear, & 62 bees) on skull.
• Patient has protruding tibula that, regardless of treatment, won’t stay “in”
• Patient has lost mobility due to unapproved appendage-enhancement, brought on by consumption of special berries
• Twin patients so identical that they can’t tell each other apart
• Patient presents with no shadow
• Patient has esophagus so lengthy that, according to documentation, 6 weeks elapse between food entering mandible and food reaching stomach
• Patient presents with legs so long she can neither sit down nor safely give birth
• Patient eructates so forcefully it presents engineering hazard
• Patient’s nose protrudes so extensively he requires general assistance in daily tasks
• Patient’s nose protrudes so severely it scares people to death
• Patient, displaying extraordinary metabolism, outgrows every domicile in which he resides
• Using only larynx, patient can replicate sounds of rain, trains, clocks, egg being scrambled, thunder
• Using bare hands, patient can open cans

• (Worm)
• (Zax)
• (Zed)
• (Fiffer-feffer-feff) 
• (Thidwick)
• (Dinn)
• (Gertrude McFuzz) 
• (Glotz and Klotz)
• (Harry Haddow)
• (Tizzle-Top-Tufted Mazurka)
• (Kwong)
• (Mack)
• (Saw Fish)
• (Sneth)
• (Otto)
• (Mr. Brown)
• (Zans) 

Identify patient in list 1 with psychological disorder in list 2

List 1:

• (Horton)
• (Pat)
• (Shrink)
• (the Fuddnuddlers)
• (Nink)
• (Sammy Slick) 

List 2:

• – compulsion to engage in conversation with speck of dust 
• ” to sit on things not meant to be sat on
• ” to bite other people’s toes
• ” to stand atop others’ heads
• ” to spit water up in the manner of a fountain (even though dehydrated)
• ” to drink so much soda (six cups) that complexion drastically changes 

Patients Mr. & Mrs J. Carmichael Krox report using special clocks, which feature 3 hands, forward/backward motion, and unique tock-tick sound. What tests are indicated? 

• A) Knee-bump reflex
• B) Walk-through-wall test
• C) Juggling in the dark
• D) Look in ear, to be sure brain inside skull
• E) Bend over and cough, then check: Are glasses on asses? 

Identify patient in list 1000 with atypical sleep disorder in list 3333

List 1000:

• (Jedd)
• (Jo and Mo Redd-Zoff)
• (Offt)
• (Ned)
• (Pinner Blinn)
• (Polar bear cubs)
• (Prince of Poo-Boken)
• (McPhail) 

List 3333:

• -Patient falls asleep by (nightly) growing cranial pom-poms on the order of 1 x 10^6
• -Sibling patients have been sleeptalking (re: laws, paws, flaws, gauze, etc.) for half-century
• -Patient sleepwalks miles with wax candle affixed to cranium
• -Patient, who weighs minus 1 pound, levitates while sleeping
• -No matter what bed he sleeps in, patient finds that his cranium or metatarsals protrude
• -Patient can only fall asleep to sound of two violins
• -Siblings (juvenile) fight all night w/sports equipment
• -Patient can only be awoken by private parade
• -While sleeping w/head in bucket, patient participates in and directs snoring choir 

Adult male patient reports wocket in pocket for last 96 hours. Concern?

• A) Nah 
• B) Yikes! Crikers! If you can chew sir chew sir do sir! 

Uncle Ubb goes absolutely everywhere in his underwear. Any reason to care?

• A) I’d be much more worried about his umbrella-eating
• B) I’d be much more worried about his hoarding
• C) It’s his surfboarding in the face of sternly-worded storm warnings that’s so concerning 

A patient presenting with the appearance of a Blogg = ?

• A) Pancake-ish
• B) Star-like
• C) Tubular 
• D) Sluggishly slimy 

If a patient has gobbled too much greep, do you call poison control?

• A) Nah, it’s as harmless as oatmeal, except that it turns your tongue grayish-purple
• B) Yeah,but first back up gingerly, quietly, but quickly and not frightfully 

Rate each diet, from 1-100, according to USDA food pyramid guidelines:

• ___ Green eggs & ham
• ___ Bread (butter side up)
• ___ Bread (butter side down) 
• ___ Big bowl of noodles (w/bigger bottle of bitter batter)
• ___ Moose Juice
• ___ Goose Juice
• ___ Skipper Zipp’s potato chips and pork chops 
• ___ Schlopp with a cherry on top
• ___ French Fried Fudge
• ___ Fish (fresh… actually, still living)
• ___ Fish (red) 
• ___ Fish (blue)
• ___ Fish (one) 
• ___ Fish (two)
• ___ Trout that eat wogs that eat bugs that eat blossoms of Beaselnut trees
• ___ Lime lollipops
• ___ Scrambled eggs from mysterious birds 

Fill in the blank: “A ___ is quite catching, you see… It just takes one ___ to start other ___s off.” 

• A) Hiccup
• B) Fart
• C) Punctured lung
• D) Distension
• E) Appendectomy
• F) Nasal drip
• G) Toe fungus
• H) Yawn 

“Queen Quinella of Quincy moves so quick she often feels queasy.” Does anything in the text suggest that she’s pregnant? 

• A) Yes, but it’s inferred, and hinges on a Freudian interpretation.
• B) That’s preposterous, as there are no male ducks(of any species) in the lake/land/place. 

This quote was discovered in a journal that Theodor Geisel kept as he was writing “You’re Only Old Once:” “X-rays are like photos, but hazier, and much much much crazier. Make them part of your plan whenever you can, so you can see just what’s in a man.” 

• A) True
• B) False 

According to Geisel, an elderly person = __?__ . (Choose all that apply)

• A) an”obsolete child”
• B) “Post-post-post-puberty”
• C) an “auto-enrollee of the Golden Years Clinic on Century Square”
• D) a “designated wheelchair driver” 
• E) a”very very very experienced kid”
• F) a “target for pilling and billing”
• G) a member of “the afflictionate class” 

Jibboo:

• A) Dr. Suess character
• B) Prescription drug 

What is the land where “everybody feels fine at a hundred and three” and people “live without doctors, with nary a care?” 

• A) Fotta-fa-Zee
• B) Zotta-ba-Ware 
• C) Watto-bu-Fee
• D) Notto-da-Kare
• E) Wanna-wa-Wee
• F) Alla-da-Pee 

ESSAY

What does Theodor Geisel suggest, vis-a-vis the Sneetches, re: the financial implications for a hospital that invests in, say, both hair-removal machines and hair-implanting machines? Be sure to address socio-cultural norms, reputational hazard, and viability in short- and long-term. 

** EXTRA CREDIT ** 

Does the Lorax meet criteria for a ketamine trial? If approved, is it likely he’d join? Why?

In what states do licensing boards permit use of the term “benignant?”